Deities worshipped in my toddler’s polytheistic religion

  1. Raffi. There are so many ways to commune with Raffi—a concert recorded in 1993, playing Wheels on the Bus on repeat and screaming when it ends, watching Raffi on mom’s phone in the ER while you get stitches. Raffi is all-loving.
  2. BUBBLES. They’re really just minor sprites—ephemeral ones. Here’s how you worship BUBBLES: when you see a bubble wand (sacred tool for summoning BUBBLES), say the word BUBBLE louder and louder until it becomes a scream and an adult wields the bubble wand to summon BUBBLES. Then, as they appear, stare at them and whisper “BUBBBBBBBLE.”
  3. Truck. Is that a car? No, it’s a truck. Truck. It’s leaving packages for us. More truck? We can’t have more truck until tomorrow. I’m sorry, they have to go deliver Amazon packages to other families. (Toddlers have a special, spiritual connection with trucks that is lacking in most adults).
  4. Dog. Our dog. Your dog. Any dog. A cat. A horse. A hamster. Dog can be channeled through any animal with four legs. Dog is the patron saint of unfailing patience, and can be worshiped through fur-pulling, tail-grabbing, food-sharing, and hugs. Offerings to Dog may be found on the floor. Offerings FROM Dog may also be found on the floor.
  5. Grandparents, all of them. Some parents are lucky enough to ascend to a higher state of existence called “grandparenthood,” usually attainable only through the suffering of parenthood.


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